Once, a bricklayer was building an archway with 100 bricks. The design of the archway, however, necessitated that he lay in three bricks at a time, so of course at the end he was left with an extra brick. He tried filing it down, he tried hammering it into place, but he just couldn't make the brick fit. So, in frustration, he tossed it over his left shoulder.
How many Ariens does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but it takes a lot of lightbulbs.
How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Well, I've gotten so used to the dark, how about we just leave it like it is..."
How many Geminians does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Do we want a 15watt, 30watt, 40watt, or 60watt? Do we want the Soft Glow or something harsher? Ooh, they come in frosted and Classic Victorian! How about these party lights? There's yellow, red, green, blue, orange..."
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twelve: one to do it, and the others to form a support group to reaffirm her valuable, essential contribution to a progressive society of enlightenment and equality.
How many militant radical feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
"One, and it's not funny, dammit!"
How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: one to do it, and one to kick the chair out from under him.
How many ska fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: one to do it, and one to pickituppickituppickituppickitup.
How many college football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but he gets five credits for it.
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.
How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three: one to do it, one to watch, and a third to whack the witness.
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
1) Fish.
2) Orange.
3) Two: one to do it, and one to throw brightly-colored East German automatic rifle parts into the bathtub.
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb?
1) Two: one to do it, and one not to do it.
2) A beautiful lotus floating down a peaceful stream.
How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
1) None: they just let it burn out and then follow it around the country.
2) "Dude, like, how can you think of lightbulbs? Jerry's dead!"
How many gynecologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Why don't we just remove it from its socket? You're not using it now, and it'll just cause you trouble in the future."
How many ethnics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A non-zero, positive integer: one to perform the changing, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnicity.
What do you call 1,000 armed lesbians?
Militia Etheridge.
This bat returns to his cave to go to sleep amid his companions, who can't help notice that he's covered in blood. "Hey man, where'd you get all that blood!?" they asked him hungrily.
"Nevermind, I don't want to talk about it," he muttered.
"No, come on, man! Show us where the blood came from!" they yelled, their stomachs rumbling. He tried to refuse them but eventually swore and ordered them to follow him, flying out of the cave.
They fluttered and swooped over the countryside, up some hills, following a stream, when suddenly he perched on a tree. As his friends alit beside him, they asked, "Okay! Where'd the blood come from? Is there a cow around here or something?"
The first bat extended a wing and pointed down the field. "Well, you see that broken wagon in the middle of the field?"
"Yeah?" his friends nodded.
"Okay, and you see those bushes just to the left of it?"
"Yeah, yeah..."
"And you see that tree rising up in the middle of them?"
"Yes, we see it!"
The bat yelled, "That's great, because I fucking didn't!"
This guy walks into a bar and goes to order a beer, when he notices President George Bush and (then-)Secretary of State Colin Powell sitting at a table by themselves, discussing something pretty intently. The guy's blown away and confirms their identities with the bartender.
"Yeah, that's them, all right," the bartender says. "They come in here to discuss all sorts of stuff. Why don't you go over and say 'hi' or something? They like that."
So the guy trots over there, heart pounding with excitement and says, "Are you really President Bush and General Powell?" They laugh bashfully and admit they are. "Wow, that's amazing! I never thought I'd see you guys in person! What brings you in here, anyhow?"
Bush says, "Well, we jus' set up and chat about all sorts o' things, I guess. Right now we're planning out World War III."
The guy's amazed. "Really!? What's gonna happen in it?"
Powell clears his throat and says, somberly, "We have a lot of details to work out, but right now on the agenda we're setting up to kill 140,000 Iraqis and a bicycle-repairman."
The guy blinks at them for a moment. "A bicycle-repairman? Why are you going to kill a bicycle-repairman?"
At this, Bush laughs and punches Powell in the arm. "See? See?" he crowed, " I told you nobody'd care about 140,000 Iraqis!"
This guy walks into a coffee shop and sees on the menu:
"$4.50," says the barrista.
In the same cafe a philosopher was reading some course material when the waitress came up and asked, "Would you like another cup of coffee?"
"I think not," he said, and promptly disappeared.
So, this kid's birthday is coming up and his parents ask him what he wants for his birthday. Jumping up and down he shrieks, "I wanna watch! I wanna watch!"
So they let him.
There's a Chinese couple having sex, and in the middle of the action the husband says to his wife, "Honey... right now... I really want to try 69..."
She stares at him and says, "Why the hell do you want beef broccoli and noodles all of a sudden?"
Did you hear about the new German/Chinese restaurant that opened downtown?
You go there for dinner and, an hour later, you're hungry for power.
Did you hear the one about the Gestapo officer?
"Liar!!"
Why is sex in a canoe like American beer?
Because it's fucking close to water.
What's green and falls apart in the corner?
A leperchaun.
Once, an old woman and a big ol' Texan guy got on an airplane, headed for Colorado. They ended up sitting next to each other: the Texan had this big ol' cigar, and the old woman had a tiny little chihuahua. The Texan kept chomping on his cigar, puffing out huge clouds of thick smoke, and the old woman's little dog just kept yipping, "yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip."
It was like that the whole trip: the big ol' Texan a-puffin' on his big ol' cigar, and the old woman's little dog just going off: "yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip."
Finally, the Texan bellowed at her, "Ma'am, y'all better shet that gawdamn dog up afore Ah pitch him raht outta the gawdamn plane!"
The old woman shrieked, "You can't use that kind of language with me! And you'd best put out your cigar before I throw it out of the plane!"
But he kept puffin' on the cigar, and her dog kept yipping, "yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip," so he grabbed her little dog and she yanked the cigar out of his mouth and they marched over to the emergency exit, kicked the door open, and threw the chihuahua and cigar out the door. Slamming the door shut they stomped back to their seats and sulked at each other for the rest of the trip.
The plane touched down in Denver and as the people unboarded, one sharp-eyed individual yelled, "Hey! What's that on the back of the plane?" All eyes turned to the rear stabilizer, where the tiny little dog was reclining comfortably. And what was in his mouth?
The brick!
