Once there was a guy out drinking with his buddy, having a great old time knocking back the brewskis and forgetting about life, his immediate environment, simple addition problems, when suddenly his great time rebelled against him and he vomited all over his front.

"Aw, goddamn," he said, regarding the mess. "The missus is gonna kill me, I'm not s'posed to be drinkin' like this."

"Hey, no problem, buddy," slurred his compatriot of the bottle. "All you gotta do is this: take $20 outta yer wallet and put it in your shirt pocket. That way, when your wife says, (high screechy voice)"Have you been drinking?!", you can say, "Aw, naw, honey! I was jes' walkin' down the street when this drunk guy puked all over my shirt. But it's okay, 'cos he gave me $20 to get it cleaned."

The first guy found this brilliant and finished up his drinking with his friend, toddling home around closing time. When he finally staggered through his front door he found his wife waiting for him, tapping her foot and hefting a rolling pin - yes, just like in the cartoons. The first thing she demanded of him was to know whether he'd been out drinking.

"Naw, not at all, honey! This drunk guy just puked on me as I was coming home, but it's okay 'cos he gave me $20 to get my shirt cleaned."

The wife checked his shirt pocket and asked, "Then why is there $40 in your pocket?"

"Oh, 'cos he also shit in my pants."