Ucch, six months ago this would be an entirely different essay. I would have written many glowing reviews of my favorite alcohols and mixed drinks... I guess nothing prevents me from doing that now, but my take on the whole issue is completely different. I used to enjoy it as a pasttime at social events like house parties or sci-fi conventions, and I had fun with other poeple who did the same. Now I drink but rarely.

What happened? Well, a little background: like many people today can say, alcoholism runs in my family. I have to keep a monitor on how much I drink. Mind you, I didn't drink every day, only social occasions like I said. However, my problem was that I believed I could drink a lot more than I really could, and I would end up getting drunk a majority of the time. After a few social occasions between July and October of 2003, after enough stories of my escapades filtered back to me (stuff I couldn't remember because I'd blacked out and was operating without consciousness), I decided it wasn't so funny anymore. Other people were having a good laugh, showing me pictures and reciting the legends back to me, but I was done making an ass of myself in this respect - especially when I realized many of my friends already considered me an ass.

I tried going cold turkey, and though alcoholism is a genetic trait, so is iron willpower: my brother quit years of smoking cold turkey and never slipped up once. When I set my mind to do something, there is no failure. I abstained from drink for as long as I allowed myself. Then I permitted myself a glass of wine at Thanksgiving, holidays with family didn't count. Then I decided that I had the beast under control and could have a couple drinks on special occasions. Yeah, well, one party too similar to my past showed me this was incorrect, and my current policy is that I may have one drink at any given social event. That doesn't mean filling a Big Gulp cup with vodka, it means one beer or one mixed drink or one shot.

That's not to say I have to have a drink at every event. I can see some social occasions in which I really don't want to have a drink, based on the people in attendance. I have to be comfortable with everyone there and want to loosen up like that; because, on the other hand, when I'm completely stone-cold sober, I actually do feel pretty good about myself. I feel responsible and in-control, though I don't necessarily like playing caretaker for my friends who have put no such restrictions upon themselves.

The only thing that really makes this hard at all is when people take me aside and tell me I should be drinking too, with them, that the party's more fun when I'm drinking, that I'm more fun when I've had a few. This is hard for me to hear because... well, I know it's true. All my synapses fire, my brain loosens up, my creativity goes through the roof and I become an entertainer. And not a tragic entertainer, like slipping in my own puke or body-checking moving vehicles in the street. I become an engaging storyteller and can captivate a crowd. I can't do this when I'm sober: I'm much quieter and prone to observation, my jokes lack life and luster, my conversation is for shit. Many qualities that I like are brought out with the alcohol, which is a terrible reinforcer for drinking. It also doesn't help that some of the people who like to criticize my drinking are those who suggest I should have a few... that's messed up. I wonder what's behind that.

Anyway. I thought I was going to run into trouble with my friends about this, announcing my abstinance. It took a while for some of them to believe it, so strong was my drunk-ass reputation, but they came around. And my drinking friends don't give me any shit for it; I notice I may be at the vanguard of some collective change, too, but we'll see how that pans out. You never know.